Host Guy brings out 3 HUGE gold stars worth 50,000 each. He has Alex pick one up to see how heavy they are...Alex isn't a douche this week. He doesn't claim that "it really isn't all that much money." Think he could melt it down and make a grill for his one tooth?

Commercial break 3, folks.

Eight Twenty One

-Greg just called DK brother...I don't think that's allowed.

-The Council decides to give the star to...Zach! Christ, he's like Susan Lucci when she finally won an award. He starts to cry like a bitch. You know, I think I used that joke months ago but who cares? It's the finally! Greg says that Zach is someone he can see in "legislature" one day. Greg is someone Zach can probably see in jail, so I guess everyone wins.

-Taylor moves all the chickens into her room. Not the last time in her life she's going to bring a lot of cock home with her. Emilie then asks to sleep in there with them and Taylor says that she can sleep next to the chickens if she really wants to come in. Oh man, apparently there's a skinny girl party and Emilie isn't invited. She is not happy.

-Migle defuses the situation.

And we move on to Day 40...yayyyy the last day...

Fred Claus

Not a great movie. It's basically just Vince Vaughn saying Vince Vaughn things to kids. Iffy, at best.

8:14 - Update

This is like when I'd destroy my own Sim City after I spent an entire weekend working on it. It's not surprising I never really had a serious girlfriend in high school...

The Council tell the kids at dinner that they need to clean up the mess they made.

And we're in to Day 39...

There's candy and crap strewn everywhere. It's like if Willy Wonka had some type of bro attended ripper.

I still want to know, WHERE DO THESE KIDS SHOWER?

Host Guy calls the kids in for challenge number 1. The prize? The last 20,000 dollar gold star. Host Guy then tells The Council that they must award the gold star immediately. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE choose Jared.

Also, I'd like to note now that I think the tear inducing surprise will be everyone's parents coming to town at the end.

DK is having such a hard time deciding who gets the gold star that he starts to cry. WHAT A BITCH.

And We're Back

Host Guy tells the kids that things are about to change...a lot.

OH. MY. GOD.

Host Guy just through The Journal in the fire! I hope Tom Riddle doesn't come out! Mallory was the one who wanted him to burn it the most. For someone who loves The Bible so much, it's no surprised she wanted to burn some books.

Host Guy gives the kids the option of staying in classes or doing whatever they want. Not surprisingly, the kids choose to go absolutely fucking nuts.

Holy shit, it's like the Rodney King riots. The kids go crazy stealing EVERYTHING from the stories. Christ, it's like after Katrina hit. DK is pissed at all the kids, I half expect him to go on the Bonanza telethon and claim that Host Guy doesn't care about black.

Commercial Break 1

Did everyone get that OnStar commercial with Kelly Ripa? Or was that a regional thing here in Syracuse.

Either way...

1. Kelly Ripa is hot.
2. I wish my body could e-mail me reports about what's going down within me...something like "Mark, wipe better."

I feel this would make my life easier.

8PM - The Beginning Of The End

Well guys, I gotta admit...I'm a little misty here. We kick off with a montage of the entire season including chicken killing, gold star awards, and district shakeups.

Time Warner's Digital Cable Listing tells me that "The pioneers awaken to find the job board destroyed; an unlikely hero emerges; the pioneers face three final challenges and receive a heart-wrenching surprise that leaves them all in tears."

KN: We've All Decided To Go Mad

We start off with Mike sleep walking through the early morning and finding the job board in flames. Oh my! This isn't contrived at all. They didn't wake him up just so he could come upon this enormous fine in the middle of the town, I'm sure. Mike is now running around like Paul Revere telling people that the job board is on fire. I bet Jared did it with his mind.

I'd like to say, how fucking dangerous is this? The producers allow the kids to try and put the fire out themselves. What the fuck? Jared does his part by walking over with literally a cup full of water. He says that you have to do what you can, even if you "have to use a freaking tin cup."

Mike does his crazy twitch thing when he realizes that if there is no more job board there are no more jobs. But if there are no more jobs there are no more classes...but if there are no more classes what are they going to do for the showdown!?!

Roll beginning credits...